It’s good to talk

 

Hi everyone,

First of all my apologies for the glitch yesterday! I was trying something fancy and simply couldn’t remember how to do it!  It’s been quite a while since I posted anything here on the blog. I keep up now with articles for the local paper and my own writing. Perhaps Book 2, who knows? Anyway I hope all of you are thriving!

What follows are some of the thoughts I was having in a conversation with an undertaker and as I set out to attend a local event called the Death Cafe. More to follow on all of that!!!

 

It’s good to talk

I’ve chatted to lots of people about loss, grief and the inevitability of ending and recently it’s been more on my mind as it seems to be coming up as a persistent topic in my writing. Losing a parent the way that I lost my mother to cancer at the age of 9 means that I already have a lifetime of dealing with the reality of death. For a young child, losing a parent is like witnessing the worst thing can can happen. It left me with a strong sense of the magic of still being here alive and at the same time a sense that the worst can always happen even if it’s the last thing that should. 

One of the many things that I have learned is that everyone deals with loss in their own individual way. There is no right way to die, and no rules as such about how we grieve, commemorate or celebrate the life of a loved one. We navigate loss in the best way that any of us can, given the enormous weight of it in our lives. The important thing is that it’s good to talk about it. 

On the other hand I have also learned that getting the right support and being open to the wishes of the dying, can change how we go about the entire event. Sometimes it’s hard to hear what exactly is being said. I remember my own Dad already in his 80s and dealing with so many disabilities including being deaf and blind, grabbed my hand hard and said, “Whatever happens I don’t want to end up dying in hospital.” 

I had no idea then what that would mean for us and for our care of Dad. He of course did go in and out of hospital over his last few years but as time moved on, with the support of his GP and the Hospice Care nurses, we were able to support those deeply held wishes. In the end, his death was serene and at home, just as he had hoped. I was lucky to remember that he had told me what was important to him.

Plotting your own way

When it comes to my own death, I intend to make my wishes very clear! This is something that I witness in many of my friends who are writing letters, collecting music and outlining where and how they wish to be buried or have their ashes spread. Being a nature lover, I’m inclined towards a wilderness ending where my body simply returns to compost and perhaps nourishes the land and the earth for something new to grow.

Perhaps those of us growing older are the privileged ones with time to think about all this. Sudden death or premature death is much harder to deal with. We can be totally devastated and literally out of our minds with grief in some of these tragic circumstances. 

Finding solace

In my book Solace, I explored all kinds of ways that those of us left behind and grieving can find solace in spite of loss. I find solace in nature, in playing with my granddaughter, being with friends and marvelling at the mysteries of being alive. Other people will find it in the love of a precious pet or maybe in travelling or in meditation. In Ireland there is an army of women who swear by year long cold sea swimming!

Being kind and gentle to ourselves and those who are bereaved is so important. We can laugh too, sometimes enjoying the most hilarious times together, remembering our loved ones with the joy of knowing them for who they were. Over time wouldn’t it be wonderful to build more supports and resources about death and dying into our community so that everyone has the option of the kind of death that they desire and for those grieving each finding solace in their own way.